PROLIFIC PONTIFICATORS’ PREDICTIONS FOR 2024
As the case enters its 17th year we asked the principle prolific pontificators for their predictions and pipe-dreams for what 2024 might bring
1 CS, ex-Met Detective
“The most likely scenario is that Madeleine was stolen to order by Slave traders and smuggled into Africa for a rich family who wanted a white child”. [GENUINE QUOTE]
Mahdi found in Morocco
Madeleine Beth McCann (19 years) is now known as Mahdi bint Gerald al-McCann, Begum Mohammed al-Fahd al-Alawiyyin
Princess Mahdi is the ninth wife of Prince Mohammed al-ʿalawiyyīn al-fīlāliyyīn
She lives in the harem of his palace a long distance outside Marrakech. She is Muslim, having undergone the necessary surgery to ensure that she was in possession of ‘perfect little genitals’ (© K McCann, ‘madeleine’ p.129) shortly before her marriage on her 7th birthday. The traditional lid from the newly opened tin of Halal Sardines was used for the procedure.
The marriage was consummated on her 10th birthday in accordance with guidance in Bo’ok and ʻilm al-ḥadīth’, specifically the Hadith ‘al Jami' - Ibn Wahb”
She has seven children, and is shortly expecting her eighth. She remembers that on her fourth birthday she was taken by a winged horse, first to Jerusalem, then to Mecca, and thence to Marrakech. She has been told this for as long as she can remember.
When asked for a comment the eunuch in charge of the harem sent this reply:
“أريد أن يعلم والدي أني رأيت من خلال كذبهم التغطية على ما فعلوه..
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2 Jon Clarke
“EXCLUSIVE By Jon Clarke in Huelva. Olive Press, 18 Feb 2011
Marcelino Jorge Italiano, 36, has told Spanish police that a group of high-ranking lawyers, based in Faro and Albufeira on the Algarve, are linked to a paedophile ring that abducts children.
“I know these people were involved and I have been told that Madeleine may now be in America,”
[GENUINE QUOTES]
Maddie found in Harlem, New York C, NY
“Good time Maddy” has been found in a Speakeasy in Harlem, NYC,
It is called “Room 623”, on 119th St. between Frederick Douglas and St Nicholas [ Go 55 yards east, past Rosa’s Pizza, down the alley on the left, knock four times on the green door, ask for “Luigi”, and push a $20 bill through the letter box ]
She is a dancer, musician, and good-time girl, much (and often) loved by the clientèle. She is thought to be worth over 2.5m USD in fees, tips, and IOUs.
She has been arrested in many Police raids but still has an unblemished record, having on each occasion diligently demonstrated to the Custody Sgt. on night duty who fully participated, the use to which she puts her ‘perfect little credentials’. (© K McCann, ‘madeleine’ p.129 [edited])
When asked for comment she replied :
“Y’all can pay like any other punter, or y’all can go and REDACT yourselves and REDACTED and REDACTED . . .”
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3 EDGAR AND COWLEY, Welsh pigeon fanciers and part time fantasists detectives
Hardened ex-RUC cop Dave Edgar … is convinced that little Maddie is imprisoned in a hellish lair…in a cellar or dungeon in the lawless villages around Praia da Luz….
And despite fresh leads… the east Belfast man insists the golden-haired youngster is being held just 10 miles from where she was snatched in Praia da Luz two years ago.
But he warned that the sprawling wilderness where he believes Maddie is languishing is almost impossible to search completely. Maddie is most likely being held captive, possibly in an underground cellar, and could emerge at any time, … [GENUINE QUOTES] [yes, really !]
Maddy found in Hellish Lair
After 15 years of ‘tireless’ searching of the “Sprawling Wilderness” behind Praia da Luz, Jedward and Owley finally found the Hellish Lair in which Madeleine had been hidden since 2007.
It took a long time to find because the three hellish golf courses and the five lawless Urbanisations would not allow uncontrolled access to Irish-Welsh pigeon fanciers, but it was eventually found in the rough behind the 16th hole of Espiche Golf, cleverly disguised as a sand-trap bunker.
Clearly Madeleine has not been idle for the past decade and a half, and has done substantial modifications to her cellar or dungeon.
Madeleine vaguely remembered the opening words of a childrens’ book from years ago “In a hole in the ground there lived a little girl. Not a nasty, dirty, wet hole, filled with the ends of worms and an oozy smell, nor yet a dry, bare, sandy hole with nothing in it to sit down on or to eat: it was a Little Girl’s hideyhole, and that means comfort.”
The extensions now include bathroom, kitchen-dining area, sun terraces, kitchen garden, and she has plans for a pool. She has three children by Meriadoc and Peregrine with both of whom she shares a loving threesome QWERTYUIOP+ family relationship
When asked for a comment she replied :
Im anír- na n- eriol, cin réd -o Sauron. Im anír- baw echor -o mal. (Sindarin elvish),
which in the Common Tongue is “I want to be alone, you son of Sauron. I want no ring of gold.”
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4 Sir Mark Rowley. Now Met Commissioner [!]
“So, one of the lines of enquiry, one of the hypotheses was could this be burglary gone wrong ? Someone is doing a Burglary, panicked maybe by a waking child.” [GENUINE QUOTE]
Maddy accidentally sold at auction
Christerby’s auction House. 31st June 2007
Auctioneer: The Hon. Tarquin Wrynkle-fforskynne, OE
“And now we come to Lot 47. A mixed lot including assorted silver and plateware with some considerable damage; 9 assorted wristwatches, 3 of them allegedly Rolex - two with badly scratched crystals, and one without a strap; seven British passports, no photos, two out of date; various other passports; a Canon Powershot camera, in mint condition; and one small female child, dating from around 2003, slight blemish to right eye, otherwise certified to be in working order, unregistered, might be usable as scullery maid or chimney sweep.”
“Start me at £100, No ? 75 anywhere?
60 ? Thank you, Sir, Do I hear 65?
65. 70 anywhere ? 90 on-line now
100 in the room. Thank you Sir,
120 on-line from Dubai, 200 on-line from Singapore
300 from Jeddah
500 now on-line from Mecca.
Any advance on 500 pounds ?
500 pounds going twice
Done. Lot 47 sold for 500 Pounds.“ (Hammer falls. Light applause)
Please Note; Hammer Price, Buyers’ premium, postage and packing, plus insurance must be paid in full before the contract is deemed to be concluded.
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5 Jon Clarke. [again] (Olive Press.) Netflix 2019
“There was a big trench here, from about here going down . . . leading down from here, all the way down the road about this wide, and six foot deep. And there was [sic] two or three guys working in the trench . . And you think . . . could she have fallen down there.” [GENUINE QUOTE]
Madeleine found living in underground pipe system
For years people in Praia Da Luz have reported a mysterious creature on the beach at full moon. Reports were usually ignored, because they were made after bar closing time. No footprints could be distinguished from those left by tourists in the soft sand, and no further action resulted.
It was recently reported that a strange creature had been seen emerging from the storm water outlet at the eastern end of the beach close to the Rocha Negra outcrop.
GNR specialists entered the storm drain system, and found side branch pipes to reduce the flow onto the beach and prevent erosion. The drought in the Iberian Peninsular means they are dry.
These had sand floors, one was fitted out with a driftwood bed and bedding of shredded fishing net and sailcloth. One had pallet shelving with plastic bottles and food included dried up pizza.
There was no trace of the creature, but the officers concluded it was humanoid and sentient.
Night vision cameras were put in place round the town, and at 0245 the creature was captured as it emerged from an inspection cover outside the Ocean Club on R. Dr. Franscisco Gentil Martins.
The creature has been identified as human, female, estimated at no more than 20 years old. It has long blond hair, a pale skin, poor vision with a visible defect in one eye, walks with a stooping gait, and is capable of only limited mixed-accented speech, tentatively identified as British.
When asked if it was “Maddy”, it clutched a pet limpet and hissed “My name’sss Madeleine - preciousss” in an indignant tone. (© KM, p.349), whilst gnawing on a raw fish.
Investigators are working on the hypothesis that it may be the legendary Madeleine McCann, who survived falling into the deep trench (© JC) right outside No 5A (© JC) and found her way into the town’s storm drain system before the access and inspection points were installed and the deep trench filled in so quickly that no one else noticed it. (© JC). She may have survived for years on takeaways dropped into the storm drain system, but then found the outlet onto the beach and lived on raw fish, crabs, shrimps and anemones foraged from rock-pools in the moonlight.
The creature, affectionately named Smeagoleine or Gollumaddy by local children, is being cared for by Social workers at the local Zoo, Rua Mentirosa do Sacana, 666.
€10 entrance, children half price, 10am - 6pm, closed Sundays and Bank Holidays
